Polyamory readiness question #1: Do you love yourself?
Sun, 02/01/2009 - 07:00
"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy." ~ Author Unknown
When I first ventured into my relationship with Corey over 11 years ago, I can honestly say that I did not love myself. I hated the way I looked. I felt socially awkward - partly from being an introvert, and partly from not having many established friendships in high school. My low self esteem contributed to me not taking care of myself, which only made me loathe myself further. It took years for me to accept and appreciate the positive aspects of myself to the point where the good thoughts outnumbered the bad. Whether you are in a relationship - whether it is with one partners or several - it is important to love yourself as an individual. By this, I do not mean narcissism, which is a malignant self-absorption. Instead I am referring to having a sense of self worth and self-esteem that is independent of others' view of you. This is important for a couple of reasons:
You shouldn't need to rely on others to make you feel good about yourself.
If you don't like yourself, you may cling to your partner(s) to validate your self worth. Here is why that can be problematic:
- First, you are basing your personal security on something outside of yourself. You are only one of the participants in the relationship, and cannot control the views, actions, or feelings of the other people involved. This lack of control can lead to a feeling of helplessness, which may further drag you down.
- Second, you will more than likely start to project your feelings of low self esteem and insecurity on the other people in the relationship. These feelings may be further aggravated by your partner(s) spending time and energy on other things or people rather than on you. It may also lead to irrational fear that your parter(s) may eventually leave you if they have multiple foci for their love and attention. Yes, I am referring to jealousy here.
- Third, you will start to treat the maintenance of the relationsihp as a success, and the loss of the relationship as a personal failure. This may lead to you trying to keep a relationship going long past its "expiration date". Prolonging the end of a relationship where the parties involved are incompatable, or where people need to be apart in order to grow and develop as neded is not only unhealthy - it can lead to unwanted /drama.
A negative self image may make you feel like you don't deserve to be loved
If you want to be loved, but don't feel that you deserve it, you will try to find ways to justify that you have earned it. You may find that you give a lot of yourself to others to the point where it's emotionally, physically, or financially exhausting. If someone gives you something without providing an opporitunity to reciprocate equally or in excess, you may feel awkward, and perhaps angry and resentful. I am guessing that some of you may think this is a twisted sense of logic - but this is really how someone that has a low feeling of self worth actually thinks! I've had lovers that insisted on giving more than they received, and when I wanted to demonstrate my affection for them in a way that they could not easily give back, /drama ensued. It took years after the relationship ended for me to accept that the problem wasn't with me, but with the insecurities of my partner.
How to love yourself
When you love another person, you tend to think positively of them. You want the best for them and are willing to support them in achieving their dreams and goals. Why not do that for yourself? Do you think positively about yourself? What parts of you do you like? If there's parts of you that you want to change - why do you not accept those aspects of yourself? It is okay to want to change yourself - don't go overboard. Start with small things, like trying out a new hairstyle. If you want to make changes to your wardrobe, do some research on what type of clothes (fit, color, etc.) look good on you - regardless of the everchanging fashion trends - and check out your local thrift store or cosignment shop. It's also okay to want to lose weight. Make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons (improving health/fitness rather than trying to get more people attracted to you). Work-wise, are you doing something that you enjoy? If not, why not? What type of work would you enjoy doing, and how could you get to the point of doing that as a career? We spend a large portion of our lives working; why spend that time doing something that doesn't make you feel good about yourself? While financial security is important, you will probably be less satisfied in making tons of money doing something that you dislike, than you would in simply being able to pay the bills while working on a job that gives you satisfaction. Be selfish. Part of a healthy, positive self image is the belief that you are a good person and deserve the opporitunity for happiness.
