My Confession to Myself (Post Sex 2.0 Coming Out)

Photo by <a href = "http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ROSIKA">Rosika Voermans</a> on Stock.XCHNG
Photo by Rosika Voermans on Stock.XCHNG
Who knew? :p

Sex 2.0 was a powerful weekend for me. In addition to meeting a lot of awesome people, my worldview was shaken a little (in a good way). 

The majority of the world shifting happened during Veronica Monet's session about the Madonna/Whore complex.  During the session, one of the participants brought up the conflict they felt about indulging in their sexual desire - specifically activities that involved inflicting pain on others. Such activities run against what we think "good people" do. 

That struck a chord with me. My mind started racing at 60 miles an hour (or faster than whatever the 'speed limit' was ;) ). I felt my cheeks start to flush and couldn't tell if my eyes were going to water. I kept my head down, focused on microblogging the event, and told myself I would deal with my emotions later.

Later was these past two months.

There are three aspects of myself - three "likes" - that I am coming to terms with:

  1. I like power
  2. I like being in control
  3. I like seeing others reactions to pain (though not necessarily suffering)

Power vs. Control

While there's a bit of an overlap, I don't see these two things as being one and the same. Power means having the ability to create or direct an effect. Control means being able to create an effect through others.  Influencing people (through friendship, bribery, or other ways) is the art of using one's own power to exert control over others to create a desired result.  It is a created perception.

We need to distinguish between consensual and non-consensual control. The latter is what most people think of when they hear about "controlling relationships". The person that withholds resources from their partner, restricts their behavior, and disempowers them through verbal abuse.  However, not all controlling relationships are unhealthy. If the control is consensual, and the partners negotiate the power exchange and communicate their needs clearly, it can be a beneficial experience.

Why would someone willingly give up the power they have to someone else? To explain this further, I'm going to turn to a model that I am familiar with - religion, contemporary Christianity to be specific. 

While we have personal power and potential (yay human will!), there are just some things we have little to no power over. The choices of others. War. Natural disasters. Famine. The Economy. You name it. We can either struggle to try and control our environment, lament about our lack of control, or place our faith in a higher power that we believe has control and our best interests at heart. Life becomes easier to live because we relinquish control and believe that someone that is "bigger than us" has a plan. Religion isn't the opiate of the masses. It's a D/s relationship! :p

Where does that fit in within my little world? I am not into relinquishing control to others - it doesn't float my boat. I did a couple of D/s questionnaires, and found that I constantly score on the Dominant side of the scale (even in the bedroom).   In role-play, I want to be the captain of the ship, the exec in the board room (pinstripe suit and all), the drill sergeant - you catch my drift ;) I want to be the one giving the orders, with the others only having to concern themselves with following what I say.

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms to this.  I know it sounds odd to some of my readers, given how much of a huntress I can be. The reason for this is twofold: I didn’t know what I wanted, and struggled with being a “bad girl”.

Apparently I’m not alone on not knowing what I want. According to a Queens University study, most women seem disconnected from what arouses them.  For me, this led to situations where I would pursue a guy, get them into the bedroom, draw a blank on what I wanted next (beyond the generic concept of “sex”), and let him take over. Kind of anti-climactic.

I was also raised with the idea that a woman should be submissive and serving – even if they’re the boardroom/exec type outside of the house/bedroom. I was also raised with the belief that a good person doesn’t hurt others (which makes physical punishment and inflicting pain on others seem appalling).  My friends in the kink community have helped me through my feelings of guilt on this.  Not all D/s relationships require there to be a punishment or pain element, and part of building these relationships is setting boundaries on actions and “safe words” as an emergency brake.

So there you have it – I’ve stepped out of the label of “Vanilla” and am now “Vanilla’ish with Kinky Tendencies”.  However, I’m not all that into leather. I prefer pinstripes. ;)

 

 

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.