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By Mystic Life The reason most traditional relationships end is due to one (or more) of what I’ll refer to as “The Three D’s”: Drifting, Dysfunction and Desire. Drifting occurs when two people evolve in different directions, and no longer feel a common bond that they once shared. Of course, a certain degree of variation more »

Signs that you might be poly

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News

• Our polyamory disaster – tale of swinging, casual sex, non-monogamy, insecurity, lack of communication and lots of drugs – wonder why it didn’t work out
• Introverts Guide to Networking – Written for business, but great for introverts who are into poly and easily overwhelmed in social situations
• Polyamory and the slippery slope – arguing against the slippery slope argument against legalizing gay marriage because it could lead to legalization of poly marriage

8:45 Topic: You might be poly if…

Thanks to all our listeners who responded on Twitter and Facebook to complete this sentence! My favorite responses:

• You have to check three different calendars before you can say yes to a “do you wanna go get a cup of coffee?”
• For the holidays you have an easier time thinking of presents for your boyfriend’s partner than for your boyfriend
• You have run out of colors for your sweethearts on your Google calendar
• You keep a spreadsheet of boundaries
• You and your husband’s boyfriend both remind the waiter not to put parmesan on his spaghetti
• You get genuine pleasure from someone else’s happiness

13:25 Feedback

• J and A ask about the hotwife lifestyle with two questions: did other poly folks find poly through hotwife? And men with a hot wife kink often get off learning intimate details or watching their partner play. From listening to past episodes, we can’t determine if this is uncommon or just rarely discussed in poly circles? (Answer: it’s always discussed whether you want to watch and how much you want to know about sexual activities)
• Olaf asks about pre-poly signals—has anyone noticed poly tendencies in retrospect?

20:10 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Big cat says "Me-ow"

I wasted a lot of energy in 2011 on other people. Any of it that wasn’t going to my job went to other people, with a teensy tiny bit of leftovers coming to me. (And of course, I always have a permanent chunk for my lovely husband. That doesn’t change.) I lay myself bare to be attacked last year, removing my heart from my chest and serving it on a platter for other people to nom on. Along the way I completely forgot what it was that mattered to me. I pursued others because I thought that’s what I needed or they wanted but I really had no idea what I was doing.

I realize now that all of that time spent pursuing was an absolute waste. The only benefit of it has come in the self-awareness I have gained, knowing that I don’t want to ever feel like I did last year.

So while it has arrived at the beginning of the year, this isn’t a resolution. It’s more of an awakening. Or a slap over the head if that’s a more eye opening way of looking at it.

2012 is not going to be about pursuing others while hurting myself. This year (and life moving forward) will be about making time for people that are good to me. I will put effort into seeing friends and lovers who offer my life richness, excitement and affection. And I will allow myself to be pursue like I totally deserve, because I. Am. Awesome.

At the moment I have a pretty, sexy lady who is offering me plenty of attention, and it’s lovely. I’ve also thought to myself about putting a bit more effort into dating some friends I have crushes on, but I’m going to leave those possibilities in their courts.

The hunter is FINALLY going to allow herself to become the hunted and that sounds like perfect evolution to me.

I was interviewed recently by Sexy Typewriter about my open relationship. Or so I thought. If you’re reading this and you’re not a Facebook or Twitter friendly, it’s highly likely that you linked to me from the Toronto Sun’s website. Or the Edmonton Sun … or one of the many Suns across Canada (apparently what they teach in science about one sun is false information.)

So if you’re here and you want to burn me at the stake for ruining marriage or being a selfish whore or whatever else you feel I am doing to destroy society, I invite you to read my post, “I Am Not a Poster Child”.

I don’t think that non-monogamy works for everyone. I think there are definitely some careless un-safe non-monogamists out there, just like there are un-safe monogamists as well. There are happy and sad versions on each side.

It might matter to you what I do, but I don’t care what you do in your bedroom and who you do it with. What matters to me is if you’re a nice person. If you say thank you to the bus driver. If you hold doors open for people. If you teach your children to stand up to bullies. If you teach your children about gender equality and rape culture and eating their vegetables. I hope you remember to laugh at silly things. I hope you are honest with yourself and your friends and especially your family. I hope you like to indulge sometimes. I hope you live life to the fullest.

And I hope that whatever you choose to do with your love life that you are not judged and that you get lots of cuddles.

Feel free to commence the burning at the stake in 3, 2, 1 …

I’ve been holding off on writing anything lately because I’ve had a bit of a chip on my blog’s shoulder that I’ve needed to remove. I told myself that I can’t write about anything sexy or otherwise until I am finally honest with myself about something that is really eating at my core. I’m afraid to write this post because I feel I will cry while doing it, but I suppose that’s not really the end of the world. (*note*: I did fight back tears while writing most of this.)

You see, I have a confession to make. I’m a fat kid; you probably already know that. But what you might not know is how evil I am to myself because of it. How I’ve let my inner voices rule my decisions, my self-worth and my motivation for years. Forever, really. This is what I’m having trouble admitting to myself, and to you. I don’t really like to talk about my weight struggles much, outside of acknowledging that they’re there, however I have to now. I feel like I cannot move forward and share with you other sexy stories, other activist-like posts and so on, without being 100% honest with everyone about what I’m thinking all the time, under the surface. All. The. Time.

Fat in Grade 10. And obsessed with Shaq. Can you dig it?

After finally separating my self-worth from my body image, years ago, I thought I was free and clear of all that negativity. Who was I kidding? Sure, I reached a point where I realized that I could be valued as a person with opinions, fears, ideas and personality – and that had little to do with the size of my ass, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve always been comfortable with myself. Just comfortable enough to get by and fake it. I would say that’s a pretty successful and content place to be.

Then 2011 happened. 2011, or as I like to bitterly think of it as, “The year that my heart was stomped on and I allowed my confidence to be removed out from underneath me.” Never mind the fact that I had three relationships end; the most serious one of all dragged on with empty promises and ill intentions. And what was worse was that I allowed it to for far too long until I just physically could not take it anymore. But the damage was done.

Somewhere along the way, the mixed messages full of compliments and rejection broke me. Those two separate bubbles of self worth and body image became one again and I began to once again tell myself, deep in my sub conscious, that I wasn’t worth anything because I’m fat. To add insult to injury, I actually gained weight last year and took terrible care of myself. And not just a little weight, but enough that my comforting tights that have fit for years suddenly don’t anymore. I got dressed this morning, into a favorite dress, and it was tight and I felt terrible in it. And my tights wanted to fall down. And my underwear wouldn’t stay over my belly. Because it’s too big. And I just wanted to crawl under a rock and melt away.

The reason I’m writing this out isn’t for you. I think that’s pretty clear at this point in this sappy, emo post. I’m writing this post to finally admit to myself all of the hurtful and harmful things I tell myself without realizing. This is me coming face to face with all of my inner demons and starting down the path to set them free.

“I am a lazy, fat slob.”

This is a perfect example of a sentence that I have told myself for years. Of course I would never say it out loud to anyone else, unless it was in jest; instead it’s always remained at the surface, like a little invisible monster that nobody sees but me.

I must be lazy because if I wasn’t I would work out more, right? I must be a slob because otherwise I wouldn’t feel hungry enough to eat that one bite more than you had. I must be not worth dating because I have a larger tummy than I should have for this body.

Right???

I think a lot of us fat folk tell ourselves we’re lazy far too often. We’re so used to failing that it just makes sense that we’re lazy. Might as well just accept that fact and get on with it.

If I don’t want to go to store on the weekends, I’m lazy. If I don’t put my laundry away, I’m lazy. If I don’t do anything but sit on the couch and binge on Netflix, I’m lazy. Ok, well that one counts. Point is though, I tell myself that everything I do (or rather “don’t do”) is because I’m lazy. Because everything connects to how I feel about my body and being lazy is what makes sense.

Except I’m not lazy actually. Well, on a Saturday morning I am. In fact, most mornings I am, but I prefer to call that “night owl syndrome”, not laziness. Anyway, I digress. It took a good friend pointing out to me that when I want something, I pour my heart and soul into it. Last year when I planned Digifest, and my baby, Playground, I gave my absolute all to those events. So much so that I ended up with a 5 day flu that had me barely able to walk to the toilet after they were finished. I worked about 40/50 days straight, barely stopping to pee or MSN for months leading up to the events.

And yet, my inner voice would still tell myself that I was a lazy failure. And some illogical part of my psyche would agree, and the self-hate would perpetuate.

What I’ve learned from my friends’ advice is that I can, and DO, succeed at things when I really want them. It has nothing to do with being a slob, instead it has everything to do with motivation. I succeeded at writing 220 pages of my book but have yet to finish the remaining 30. How could I be so motivated for the majority, but fail on the rest? I’ve been secretly telling myself I’m a failure for over a year because of it, but I’m sure I’m simply scared instead.

A similar story is to be told when it comes to my weight. It’s not that I have no idea how to be healthy. I’ve done so many good (and bad) things to lose weight and get healthy over the years. Bernstein, Weight Watchers, anorexia, bulimia, a personal trainer, working out at home, yoga, WiiFit, changing my diet … blah blah blah. I know the things that work, and with many of those things I’ve been relatively successful. Then something would change in my life and I’d move on to either something else … or nothing at all.

“Get back in the gym!” “Stop eating that cheese!” “Stop being a baby and just lose the weight already!”

I get it. Some of you might want to yell those things at me. Some of you might have been born with excellent metabolisms and the ability to wake up in the morning and work out without feeling like ass. You might have not had experiences with body hatred. Or maybe you have, and have gotten over it and forget how hard it is. Your parents might have never gotten divorced and lived across the country. You might have more than just one parent left alive. You might have never been mocked with fat phobic remarks like I have been my entire life. And while I don’t resent you your body privilege or ability to go go go, and while I won’t deny envying you, I will defend my right to be fucked up because of those things as the reason I am writing this confession to you now. It certainly doesn’t help that the first time I ever lost any fat I was anorexic, bulimic and an obsessive exerciser all at the same time. Because if there’s ONE thing I’m good at, it’s multi-tasking.

In order for me to succeed, I have to want to be successful. My lack of energy to try isn’t because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m unmotivated and absolutely terrified.

The absolute 100% truth in the matter is that I am pretty convinced that whatever I start to do for weight loss and muscle gain – I will fail in. And this is the battle I am up against. This stupid inner voice telling me that this time will be just like the rest. That I will have some success but then I will lose focus and get fat again. That I will never NOT be the girl who takes up too much space on the subway seats. That I will always be the girl who can’t wear heels because I’m too heavy and weak to hold myself up. And of course I will always be the girl pulling up my tights or my pants because they don’t fit me perfectly as there’s just too much fat there.

I WILL ALWAYS FAIL SO WHY EVEN BOTHER TRYING???

I don’t want to think that anymore. I don’t want to be distant with my husband because I can’t bare to take his compliments when I’m hating myself. I don’t want to avoid putting my laundry away because it makes me see all of the clothes I look terrible in. I’m finally trying to start owning it. I’m finally acknowledging those inner demons and trying to acknowledge every time, or at least more often, when I feed myself hateful language. I have only just started to realize how hateful and mean I have been to myself for years. And years. And years. I have let the fact that I have a large stomach rule almost everything I do, without even realizing it was happening. What’s funny is that I am comfortable as a big girl. I *could* be a smaller girl, but I’d be happy as a curvy girl forever. I have no big desire to be skinny. I mainly just want my tummy to go away. And I want to love myself again. And feel sexy. And give my love to others.

And fit into my fucking tights.

Now I just have to figure out which direction my baby steps need to go in and who can help me along this path. Because being stuck in my own head is obviously not working for me.

Let’s do this.

Please note: I am not looking for sympathy as a result of this post. I’ll take empathy and hugs, questions about what I’ve tried and what I haven’t, followed by suggestions if you have them. I didn’t write this or share it to have you tell me I’m pretty. I AM pretty, and smart, and sexy and pretty talented at a lot of things. I haven’t forgotten any of this stuff; the narcissist in me won’t let me. I just needed to share with the world. It’s a bit of a compulsion I have. If I tell the world what’s going on, I can’t pretend it’s not happening anymore. Thank you for reading this far. You’re probably a pretty awesome person and I hope lots of people love you.

What you need to know about the intimacy-autonomy scale and how it might be affecting your current relationship

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• The Poly Weekly Android app has been pulled from the Android marketplace. We’re working to replace it, but in the meantime, it can be purchased from Amazon.
• H Opportunity provides support to those with HSV and the people who love them. Use discount code MINX for $5 phone support or visit Herpes Opportunity, Herpes Life, the free disclosure ebook, the virtual support group, the forum, the blog or the iTunes podcast.

3:55 Interview: Kathy Labriola describes the intimacy-autonomy scale

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, shares her insights based on the intimacy-autonomy scale and how mismatches can cause misunderstandings in relationships. Need more autonomy and independence but matched with a partner with a higher need for attention and intimacy? Good advice all around. Find the book at Greenery Press or at the Stockroom (better than Amazon for authors!)

17:30 Happy Poly Moments

• A listener writes in to share a Happy Poly Moment—discovering an old friend is actively poly: “It was so NICE to find someone “real”, someone I have known for years, to whom I had a relation out of the web or a meetup thing, who at least new what polyamory was… for the first time in years, we could talk with other people, face to face, about our opinions and experiences. Priceless.”
• MG tells of running home to his lovely fiancée to tell her his girlfriend just said she loved him: “When I think back three years ago to the beginning of our poly adventure I couldn’t have imagined this. It makes all of the work that my fiancée and I put into working on or communication and jealousy issues (mostly me) worth it.”

20:45 Feedback

• Scott, a listener in Australia, found us through Google+! And gives props to the HSV blues episode: “After contracting HSV from my first serious primary partner, I struggled a bit personally with it, and with what that meant about me and my lifestyle choice, and felt my ex’s condemning voice in the back of my mind. So it was refreshing to hear it put into an appropriate perspective.”
• Gryphon writes in that Poly Weekly has taught him to be unafraid of asking for help and support and suggests the antithesis to NRE—Break Up Brain?

28:15 Thanks

Welcome Robin, Ryan and Nomputers to the Poly Weekly Playmates! And thanks to Jim and Bill for their donations to keep us running!

29:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Philadelphia, PA Preliminary Schedule Friday February 10 4 PM – 7:00 PM Check in and Registration - Registration and check-Come to the registration desk; pick up your Conference Package/schedule, name badge and get yourselves all checked in.    We advise all people to get checked in first, then head out to grab some dinner before the more »

Today, the news broke that one of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives is going public with the information that he had once asked her for an open marriage.

I really can’t speak as to the repercussions of this publicity on his political career, such as it is. I suspect that the folks who like Gingrich will continue to like and defend him, and those who don’t (I count myself among those) will use this as fodder to denounce his suitability as a Republican presidential candidate.

What is worth commenting on is Gingrich’s reported approach to open marriage. According to the story in the Washington Post, Marianne Gingrich, Newt’s second wife, reports that after conducting a six-year affair with Callista Bisek, Newt proposed an open marriage in which he would be partners with both Marianne and Callista.

Marianne turned down the offer, and Bisek became Gingrich’s third wife.

This case is high-profile because of Gingrich’s potential presidential candidacy and perhaps also because of his steadfast promotion of family values, which presumably do not include having a long-term affair. Additionally, as the Post points out:

The House speaker who pilloried President Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky was himself having an affair at the time.

So there is a strong element of hypocrisy to the situation as well.

Newt, yer doin’ it WRONG

But even that isn’t what bothers me most here, on this blog devoted to polyamory. What I’d like to tell Gingrich is that open marriage and other forms of non-monogamy are not your back door for when you get caught. Non-monogamy in its many forms takes a tremendous amount of communication and work to ensure the happiness of all parties involved, and it is most decidedly not an escape hatch for a guy caught with his trousers down.

What Gingrich offered his wife Marianne wasn’t an option; it was an ultimatum: share me or get lost. And I can assure you that almost every instance of the “relationship broken; add more people” approach has failed. This was not a conscious decision made with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved; this was a cheater backed into a corner seeking to extract himself from an unhappy marriage.

And in that, he succeeded. It just annoys me that he used a proposal of open marriage as a blunt object to rid himself of his second wife. Just cheat, divorce, remarry your mistress and be done with it. Don’t drag our hardworking model of non-monogamy into it. Some of us actually work at this, and you’re sullying the institution of non-monogamous marriage.

Kathy Labriola, nurse, therapist and author of Love in Abundance, offers poly communication tips

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

• Polyamory on Private Practice
• Poly in the Media and the GMA threesome
• Vicki Larson in the Huffington Post on why men need to cheat

7:30 Interview: Kathy Labriola

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships (also available at Greenery Press)

• Essential communication skills include things like knowing what you need and communicating it directly (as soon as you know it). Why is this so hard?
• What is metacommunication and why is it important?
• What is at the heart of most poly communication breakdowns?
• Why do we worry so much about jealousy and what is your advice on dealing with it?

36:25 Thanks

Thanks to H Opportunity, Brendan, Maui Kink for their donations and welcome CainO and Lisa to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!