Hi everyone. Here's an update on where I'm at:

I spent the past few months helping my fellow activists from the Modern Poly crew on getting the 501(c)(4) paperwork completed, migrating our web presence to a new hosting provider, and upgrading our content management system to http://www.escorts-nottingham.co.uk (which meant access to mobile-friendly/responsive themes).  I also helped the Polyamory Leadership Network with building their web presence, which includes a bare-bones project management system that members can access after login. I also have a couple of other web projects that I'm involved with, some of which are volunteer-based, and some of which are paying gigs.

Plus I have my personal life stuff... which consists of a boyfriend, my husband, and my husband's awesome partners with escorts in Lincoln/.

Hopefully this explains why I am finally getting around to working on this project, even though it is only 2 months away >.<

Last night I saw a fellow activist/organization published a blog post about polyamory vs. monogamy. I read through the first few paragraphs where they discussed the 3 D's that lead to relationships falling apart (distance, dysfunction, and desire).

This is where I admit not reading the second half of the article. I rushed through and assumed "Hey, they're going to talk about how polyamory can help with the desire part", gave the article my seal of approval, and sent it off to my friends via. Facebook.

The blog post came from an organization that supports "relationship choice", so it couldn't possibly involve monogamy-bashing, right?

That assumption = Egg + my face.

It's almost 2012. While I've done a lot when it comes to building and updateing polyamory-related websites, I've done next to nothing when it comes to writing here.


Even my attempt to write a series on surviving the receiving-end of jealousy/insecurity fell flat after the first 2-3 weeks...


Whoops!


Part of the reason is that I don't know what to write about that is 100% poly-specific. 

When faced with a situation that puts us on the defensive, we sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion.  Sometimes a "jealous" response is prompted by more than the other person's insecurities.  The reaction could be based in injury from a breach of trust.

 

Jealousy sucks, period.  While the process of acknowledging and overcoming the root of one's jealousy can aid in personal growth, the in the moment experiences can be painful for all involved.  We tend to focus on the pain that the jealous person is feeling, and forget that there are (at least) two others that are coping with the situation:

  • The partner of the jealous person
  • The focus of the jealousy - who could either be a (close) friend or non-monogamous partner/lover.

A person that is feeling jealousy has a lot of resources available. In addition to being able to rely on social support, there are books and websites that provide advice ranging from strictly monogamous to open-relationship points of view.  There are significantly less resources available to help the partner of the person feeling jealousy cope with the situation. Most of the professional advice and literature is monogamy-centric and focuses on removing the "trigger" rather than helping the partner overcome their inner demons. This translates to cutting ties with the "outside" friend or partner for the sake of the relationship. The social pressure to break off social ties increases if there's a suspicion of infidelity.

Where does that leave the close friends and companions?  For those that are in nonmonogamous relationships, there's an underwhelming amount of information about coping as a secondary (the label itself makes me cringe).  I'm not aware of any resources for someone who has a friend in a monogamous relationship where that friend's partner is experiencing jealousy.

I doubt that I'm the only one that has experienced this, so I'm writing my own guide. :p